The Grief and Happiness Alliance

writing through grief

Last Letters

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Chances are we won’t know when our last breath occurs. Hopefully it will be at a time of peace when we just go to sleep and not wake up. If this is the case for me, I’ve been wondering if I would have said everything I would want to say before I took that last breath.. Who knows when that’s going to come. It could be any moment, or it could be years down the road. I have relatives that lived long lives, and I’ve had relatives that lived short ones without being able to have any idea when their last moments would be. Because of this, I plan to say what I need to say now.

My husband Ron was only on hospice for a week, and he made good use of that time. He made sure to say whatever he wanted to say to anyone he wanted to say it to. We made a list to be sure he would contact everyone he wanted to. We invited anybody that could get to Maui to come be with him during that last week. He was surrounded by good friends; many had been friends for his lifetime. He also had people who were significant in his life that he hadn’t talked to in years and others he had only known a short time. We made a big effort to get them all called, and by the time he finally went to sleep, we had crossed off all the names on this list, and I could see how grateful he was.

He had the opportunity to tell special friends or family members exactly what he wanted to say. I was in awe listening to him have these last conversations with people that he could express things so deeply, and I thought what a wonderful life he had lived in unconditional love with so many different people. So many of us don’t get that opportunity to say goodbye because we don’t know when that last moment will be. My grandmother went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up. I was just 13 years old, and I tried to remember if I had told her that I loved her. I know we exchanged big hugs. She was the one person in my life at that point that hugged me, and that meant the world to me, so I knew she knew I loved her but I’m not sure if I ever expressed it in words. 

My father died suddenly. I am proud to be his daughter and am amazed at the things he was able to accomplish. He was such a good man. My mom dealt with a brain tumor for a long time. I know I got to tell mom what I wanted to tell her, but it was awfully late in her life. I wish we would have been able to have those conversations as we went along. I’ve had friends die suddenly and I didn’t get to tell them goodbye. This made me think about people that I’m close to now. I want to be sure to not leave things unsaid. 

I have new friends who are special to me, and I want them to know how much I care for them, how much I noticed what they’ve done for me, how much I am honored to have been able to do things for them, and how wonderful it is to have deep friendships. Right now, I commit to making a list of all the people I want to express my gratitude to so that they can know while I’m still around. This can lead to beautiful conversations, or at least they will know how I feel about them and the wonderful times that we’ve spent together. I will make sure that everyone I have something to say to is on that list, and I will write to each of them while I still can. I plan to enjoy all the time that I can with the people that I love.

I’d love for you to make a list or at least talk to the special people that you really want to talk to while you can, or like me, use the list and write letters so your words will always be there. The people I love will have something left from me, and I’m grateful for that.

 

 

I have special gift for you since you read this blog. I have created so beautiful stationery for you to use to write your letters. I would love to gift it to you at no charge. Just send me a message to emily@griefandhappiness.com including your name, and if you would like, your address to include on the stationery. Be sure to include the email address you would like me to send the printable PDF file to you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Staircase

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“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

–Martin Luther King

 

Often those dealing with grief have no idea what their future holds which can be crippling. While grief isn’t something you get over, you can learn to move forward in your grief. But how can you do that if you have no idea what moving forward means?

When a loved one dies, the people who remain deal with many losses such as:

  • Loss of future goals, like together buying a home, traveling, or retiring
  • Loss of your loved one’s presence at weddings and graduations
  • Loss of the 50th wedding anniversary you were looking forward to
  • Loss of grandchildren you may not get to know or even meet
  • Loss of communication, or having someone to talk to

While dealing with losses like these, the idea of your future may be difficult to imagine, and you may be stuck in the beauty of the past or the anguish of the present. And you have no idea what the future holds now.

The truth is, as wonderful or as challenging your past has been, there is no going back. Do treasure your good memories from the past, but focus on now.  You may have had great plans for the future that are not possible now. So again, it’s time to focus on now. What can you do today to best help you prepare for your new life?

Have faith that each step you take on the staircase to the future is an opportunity to live your very best life now. Know that staircase is there to support you on your journey.  Use your present circumstances wisely to foster decisions that allow you to keep moving on up having faith that you are making the decisions necessary to ease your journey.

After Ron died, I couldn’t even see the first step of the staircase. To find a starting point, I journaled. As I wrote, I recognized what was missing; the purpose that had been guiding my life and actions no longer existed.  Once I knew that, my life opened up for me. As I formed a group to write about dealing with grief, more opportunities came my way to help others who were also dealing with grief.

I sought inspiration each day as I was writing in my journal. With my focus on helping my peers along their grief journeys, ideas easily flowed to me. This led me to a fulfilling life full of joy. I have many new friends, and I cherish the friendships I have gathered throughout my life. I love all I do now and am happier than I ever have been. My current life is rooted in positivity allowing me to see that staircase as a map leading to new journey forward.

Are you ready to step on to that stairway? Or if you are there now, do you keep moving on up? You can do it!  I have faith in you.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Who Are You

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When grieving, we often struggle with our sense of self. You may feel that one or more descriptive words you have identified with no longer seems accurate. After my husband died, I still felt like a wife since I had been one for so long. After my miscarriage, I lost the description of expectant mother.  After my parents died, a friend pointed out that I was an orphan. I definitely didn’t want that descriptor. When I retired, I still felt like a teacher. When I moved to Hawaii, I was no longer a Californian. When I finished my last nursing job, I still felt like a nurse, actually, I still do.

While all these descriptors don’t accurately indicate who I am now, they all are a part of what made me who I am today. Now, I could describe myself as a widow two times over, but to me, that description has a negative connotation. I could also define myself as single, but that doesn’t resonate with me either. I am so much more than a previous marital status.  So instead of expressing all the things I am not, I decided to list all the things I am.

I Am Alive. I have seen many people fade or just give up when they reach a certain age, and I have seen that for them, their quality of life, their energy, their will to live dims and often leads to an early death. I choose to fully experience my aliveness by getting up early, journaling, eating well, going for walks, enjoying art and music, and most of all delighting in my relationships.

I Am Creative. My creativity brings me so much happiness. I love to create new things like the Grief and Happiness Alliance, The Grief and Happiness Podcast, the six books I have published, the cards I created, the blankets I crochet, the food I lovingly prepare, the paintings and drawings I do, the online classes I created, the theatre, art gallery, schools of arts, and a café. I created, the nonprofit organizations I started. And I could go on.

I Am Unconditional Love. By giving up putting constraints on my relationships, they were able to blossom into more beautiful interconnections than I had experienced before. I now concentrate on giving and receiving unconditional love. I relish the love I have shared throughout my life in all the relationships I have been in.

I Am Healthy. Much of my life I have been dealing with ailments and injuries. When I stop focusing on those things and instead consider how I feel in each moment, generally, I feel great. Though I may have a cold or a broken toe, those things don’t control the joy in my heart or the strength of my love and happiness.

I Am Beautiful. Looking in the mirror, I focus on my smile and know that is the biggest contributor to my beauty and I am happy to share that.

Writing this description of me feels so good. What a wonderful life I lead.  Take a moment consider who you are and who you are striving to be. Make you own list of your best qualities and you will be amazed. You are unique and special in all the ways you choose to be. Focusing on who you are brightens your life experience. Enjoy!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You Get to Decide

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At some point, we all live and we all die. What we do in between is up to us.

When I first found a carry-on suitcase that had wheels, I was thrilled at how easy it was to use. Then I just put more, heavier things in it. Those heavy things made it harder to handle and much more difficult to put in the overhead storage for the flight. My new wheeled suitcase brought more problems than I had before when I carried a much smaller, lighter bag.

Do you carry the baggage of your grief that no longer serves you? This is an easy trap to step in to. You can become exhausted by the emotions and memories you keep piling on. You may carry the weight of witnessing the sorrow and suffering your loved one experienced in the final days. Or you may be carrying a list of things you feel you could have, should have, or

would have done for your loved one, but you didn’t.

Negative memories can be heavy, and the longer you carry them, the heavier they get until you’re exhausted and find it difficult to move forward. You may not even realize you are doing this.

Start unpacking your bag one item at a time. Examine each item and ask yourself it serves you now. You’ll find some items that never served you like the guilt you feel over your failure to prevent your loved one from eating so much that their health was affected. Think about that. Were you responsible for the quantity or type of food your loved one ate? No. You weren’t. So why carry that around? Let it go.

As you remove each item from the bag, consider your story about it. For instance, you may have identified some things you know you need to deal with like removing your loved one’s name from your bank account. Your story could be that when you do that, your loved one’s death will feel final. The truth is, you already know your loved one died, so remove the book that tells that story, and your suitcase becomes lighter.

Think of each story as a book that you won’t need to carry around in your suitcase once you have read it.  The more stories you release, the lighter your carry-on becomes.

The more we carry, the more exhaustion builds up. This exhaustion magnifies and can bring you to a place where it’s just too hard to step forward. Are you there? Or maybe you’re on the way.

Take some time for yourself to unpack the heavy suitcase of your grief you’ve been dragging around. Examine each story, do what you need to so you can finish reading about it, and then close and release the book.

When you deal with your stories one at a time, you can eventually release any of them that no longer serve you making space for more peace, more joy, and more love in your life. Then you can start moving forward.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

2023

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A friend told me that she couldn’t wait for 2023 to be over because so many terrible things happened. I found myself making a list of those things. There were so many, and they seem to be multiplying towards the end of the year. Then an oft heard saying came to mind, “What you resist persists.” So, I made the decision to make a list of the beautiful things I remember instead. This is part of my list which could have gone on for pages:

  • New babies were born in my family.
  • I am loving learning to do watercolor painting and making new friends in the process.
  • The company I am part owner of is thriving still after 63 years.
  • Relationships I have are deepening and becoming more precious.
  • I am healthy and strong after dealing with a few challenges this year.
  • I have accepted invitations which lead to beautiful experiences.
  • My new book was published and became a best seller.
  • I published my beautiful Grief and Happiness Cards.
  • Maui has become green again after a long period of brown.
  • The Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings are growing and bring happiness to those who attend.
  • My podcast has more than 12,000 downloads and attendance is growing.
  • I helped co-create a new facilitator training program for the Grief and Happiness Alliance.
  • Dear friends came to visit me in Maui.
  • My vegetable garden is thriving.
  • I am loving teaching journaling classes.
  • I provided shelter to evacuees from the wildfires on Maui.
  • I learned how to cook Chinese food that I love.
  • I have made new friends.
  • I attended a powerful film festival.
  • I have enjoyed many beautiful sunsets and rainbows.
  • I attended a weeklong seminar in caring for the dying which was deep and beautiful.
  • I discovered how wonderful the chocolate from Maui Ku’ia Estate is.
  • I enjoyed going to hear live music.
  • I notice the positivity and smiles in all my experiences.
  • And much more.

While some of the events from this year were tragic, I saw the beauty of people being generous and serving people experiencing unthinkable loss.

I encourage you to make a list of the joy and beauty you experienced in 2023, and focus on that and discover how you can expand it during 2024.

I started writing this inspired by “What you resist persists,” but I have changed my mantra to “What you embrace thrives.” What will you embrace from your experience of 2023?

I wish for you great beauty, comfort, support, love, and happiness in 2024.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Love Letters

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I just read Jane Asher’s book The Next Room. She wrote this book with her mother and it is filled with wisdom.  I felt like I was in the room with them as Jane asked her mother deep questions and her answers were kind, deep, and filled with love. They were questions she would have loved to talk to her mother about while she was alive.

Jane came from a close, big family. She was the youngest and remembers growing up in a small town. When her mother died, her father asked Jane if he could talk with her friend who communicates with people after they transition. Her dad received so much comfort from their communication that she chose to meet with her friend too.

Jane had questions for her mother, so she shared these with her friend and her friend told Jane her mother’s answers. She was comforted and amazed by what her mother shared, so she wrote it all down to remember this guidance. Jane knew she had to write what she learned from her mother in a book.

Jane also realized she could communicate with her mother without the help of a medium, so she asked her mother to write with her, and her mother said yes. They wrote The Next Room together and I highly recommend this beautiful book.

Inspired by Jane’s book, I now include asking questions of my loved ones who have transitioned when I I write in my journal daily. My journaling has become much longer, and I am comforted by the answers I receive that are always filled with love.

If you are skeptical about this, I understand. I can’t tell you for sure that the answers I receive come from my loved ones. I may already embody the discernment I am seeking, and writing my questions in my journal allows me to discover what I already know.

Wherever the answers that I write in my journal come from, I accept them as love letters from my family and friends.  And each morning when I close my journal, I am smiling and grateful for all I discover in my writing.

Try writing to your departed loved ones and see what they share with you. You will be so happy you did!

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon: